


is

by DjAwful



Series: Exploration [3]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 18:22:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6669406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DjAwful/pseuds/DjAwful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>For the first time in one of these dreams I feel fear</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Slithering down my spine</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Cold and moist in the pit of my stomach.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>The voice speaks, louder now than a whisper,</i>
</p>
<p>  <i>Who are you?</i></p>
<p>An AU in which Rei learns something from her recurring dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	is

In the dream I am a sight to behold.   
My wingspan huge, at least ten feet in length   
Claws large enough to cradle a body in   
And my piercing eyes,   
Black burning coals and flickering orange embers   
Barely kindled against the flaming   
Scales that armor my body.

In the dream I am a dragon.   
Not the kind in fairytales   
(Not quite anyway)   
Certainly I am just as fierce   
And as dangerous,   
My body sharp as wit and   
My breath scorching.   
But I don’t care about riches,   
Neither the clink of shining coins nor   
The liquid gold of a Princess’ hair.   
In the dream, I am the hero.   
I terrorize the villagers who terrorized me.   
Not in the dream.   
In my life.   
My father, as cold-hearted as Tremaine,   
As slimy as Ursula,   
Who made me clean up after his messes, who   
Stole my voice and then   
Convinced me the mess was my fault.

In the dream I ruin him.   
I grab him with my claws, and he cowers in fear,   
Begging.   
_Please, Rei, don’t hurt me! I’m sorry for everything I’ve done!_   
And for lying I flay him alive,   
His baked flesh quivering against the wind   
As I allow his ashes to fly away,   
Deep into the vermillion nothingness of the dream.

In the dream I destroy everyone who hurt me.   
I decide who to spare and   
If that is no one then it is my decision   
To fly back to my cave   
Alone   
And no one else’s.

In the dream I control myself and   
I control others and no one controls me.   
Night after night I have the dream   
That grew from the most tender parts of me,   
The child who had books   
And fairytales   
And nothing else   
And no one else   
And no control.   
And although the anger and destruction   
Bleeds through those pieces   
Staining them deeper, pushing them   
Ever farther into the untouchable part of me   
I awake every morning   
Happy.

But in the dream something changes.   
One night, suddenly, everything is different.   
And I tell myself I wanted it that way   
That I was tired of destroying the villagers   
Even though that isn’t true.   
The dream seems to want to show me something.   
I can’t fight the wind   
That curls underneath my wings,   
Carrying me there:   
A tiny cave   
Somewhere far away from the village.

I land in the maw of the entrance,   
Mauve stone twisting tighter and tighter   
The longer I walk   
Until there is a claustrophobic darkness   
And I can go no farther.   
So I stop, folding my long neck,   
Squinting piercing eyes   
To take in my surroundings.   
Bruise-like rock gnarled together   
Around sharp stalactites and stalagmites   
Teeth open, perpetually waiting to bite.   
I hear a sound   
Distant at first, barely a whisper,   
Growing, not in front of me or behind me   
But all around,   
Like the cave is speaking.

_Who are you?_   
The voice asks, resonating in my head painfully.   
I puff up my chest   
And lift my head as much as I can   
In the small space available.   
“I am Ayanami Rei,   
The most fearsome dragon in the land,”   
I growl, voice thundering with importance   
And if I could smile over my many teeth I would.   
But the voice seems not to hear.

_Who are you?_   
It says again, and I   
Do bare my teeth now and plant my feet   
Digging my claws into the ground.   
“I am Ayanami Rei,   
Slayer of evil,   
Harbinger of justice,   
A hero renowned far and wide.”   
Still the voice seems unsatisfied.   
I can feel the suffocating air of the cave   
Flat against my scales   
As it asks again,

_Who are you?_   
I am angry now, white-hot emotion   
Pressing against the amber insides of my   
Already aggravated body.   
Is the cave mocking me?   
“What do you mean, who am I?   
I am a force of nature,   
Beautiful, but destructive and I will   
Not stand to be ridiculed!”   
The cave shudders,   
Stalactites falling like tinkling laughter.   
I scream when I hear the next booming

_Who are you?_   
This time I don’t bother answering.   
Instead I lash up, shattering the stalactites,   
And then down the wall,   
Claws ripping through stone like   
A knife through soft flesh.   
Fire pelts out of my jaw and   
Into the darkness ahead.   
My body shakes along with the cave   
And the heat against my scales fuels me,   
Incenses me.   
“This is who I am!”   
I roar   
Soot raining down on me,   
Cool against my blistering scales.   
I am in my element.   
Smoke billows out my nostrils and   
I sit back on my haunches.

_Who are you?_   
Barely a whisper, but it echoes inside my skull.   
The cave shakes again, but   
This time not by any fault of mine.   
Soot caves around my head,   
New stalactites grow, shoving in against my body   
New indigo walls pressing closer,   
Smothering me.   
I am trapped.   
For the first time in one of these dreams I feel fear   
Slithering down my spine   
Cold and moist in the pit of my stomach.   
The voice speaks, louder now than a whisper,

_Who are you?_   
I bite back a whimper.   
Smoke and debris flutters around me   
Like taupe snow against an onyx sky   
And although the smoke shouldn’t bother me   
Suddenly I feel as if I’m choking.   
The walls of the cave are a tight fist behind me   
Stalactites and stalagmites   
Poised like daggers around me.   
“I… I,”   
I stutter, stammer, words which usually   
Slide with confidence past my tongue   
Slip, knocking into teeth and back down my throat.

_Who are you?_   
When the voice speaks now, I hear something   
I didn’t hear before:   
Impatience.   
Suddenly I feel tiny, the claustrophobic space   
Shrinking with me.   
I remember this feeling   
This crushing helplessness   
This terrifying nothingness   
And a voice.   
Insistent,   
Angry,   
Impatient,   
A tightly coiled spring   
Who might snap at any moment and   
Rip into me until I was as black and blue as   
The cave walls and   
Just as twisted up inside.   
There is only one way to answer a presence like this.   
I know from experience.   
So, quietly, shame filling and spilling into   
The stale air around me, I say,   
“I am Ikari Gendo’s daughter,   
Ayanami Rei,   
And I lied.   
I am not a hero   
Or a force of nature, just a small   
Misguided girl who stepped out of line.   
It won’t happen again.   
Please don’t hurt me.”   
I tense,   
Trying to make myself a speck,   
Trying to wake up.

_Who are you?_   
Dread trickles down my throat.   
“I’m no one,”   
I whisper   
“I’m nothing.   
Please just let me go.   
Please just let me wake up.”

_Who are you?_   
The cave insists.   
My throat is closed, tongue tacky-glued   
To my many teeth.   
The silence in the small space is immense   
And yet   
Something in the air changes.   
I can breathe again,   
The smoke and ash dissipating as I notice that   
The way ahead is no longer   
An indigo nothing,   
But an archway, cerulean light filtering in.   
I must have created the entrance on accident   
In my burst of orange rage.   
A stinging emotion alights in my chest   
Almost like hope.   
I wriggle my body harshly   
Against the trap of the cave,   
Coming free more easily than I had expected,   
Slithering through the opening and   
Into the artificial light.

A cavern yawns before me   
And I pad cautiously,   
Squinting at the periwinkle walls.   
In the center of the cavern   
There is a pond   
Not much bigger than me   
From which the light seems to be emanating.   
It bubbles effervescently,   
Stilling as I draw closer.   
I look into the mirror tranquility of the pond   
To see not the dragon staring back,   
But the girl,   
Hair dead against my pale skin,   
Eyes sunken, bruised into my face.   
A feeling, a sudden understanding,   
Warms against my skin and I look up   
From the pond and down   
To my body.

In the dream I am no longer a dragon   
But a girl. Not just a girl -   
Myself.

_Who are you?_   
The cave whispers,   
Not with impatience.   
With quiet intensity.   
And with the cool clarity of the pond   
I know the answer.   
“I am Ayanami Rei,”   
I say,   
“I am me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was not the work I was intending to post for the third installment of this series, but it was a piece I cranked out for my creative writing class this semester and I was pleased enough with the end result that I thought I would post it here. I rarely write poetry, so let me know what you guys think! I really appreciate reviews. Thanks for reading and look forward to the next work in this series!


End file.
